نص حلقة: Dating Expert: The Question to Ask That Will Save You Years of Wasted Time | Sara Al Madani
Jay Shetty Podcast2026-10-07
Dating Expert: The Question to Ask That Will Save You Years of Wasted Time | Sara Al Madani
Overview
Topic: Relationships and Personal Growth
In this episode of the Jay Shetty Podcast, host Jay Shetty sits down with entrepreneur and public speaker Sara Al Madani to discuss dating, relationships, and the deep inner work required to find true love. Sara shares her personal experiences with toxic relationships and marriages, explaining how healing childhood trauma and cultivating self-love are essential to breaking negative relationship cycles. She also breaks down the difference between chemistry and compatibility, the importance of setting clear standards, and why love is ultimately a conscious decision rather than just a feeling.
Minute by Minute (32)
[00:00 - 01:00] Asking Yourself the Right Questions
Sara discusses the importance of asking yourself if you embody the qualities you wish to manifest in a partner before you start dating.
[01:00 - 02:00] Wanting vs. Needing a Relationship
Sara explains that wanting a relationship comes from abundance, while needing one comes from lack and often carries a hidden agenda.
[02:00 - 03:00] The Illusion of Need
Sara discusses how societal conditioning makes us believe we need love and relationships, whereas we should focus on being content with ourselves.
[03:00 - 04:00] Clarity Over Mystery
Sara shares how her perspective shifted from finding mysterious men attractive to valuing clarity, transparency, and honesty.
[04:00 - 05:00] Attracting What is Familiar
Sara reflects on how we often attract familiar toxic traits because they are comfortable, even if they are harmful.
[05:00 - 06:00] Chemistry vs. Compatibility
Sara explains that chemistry is hormonal and can be misleading, whereas compatibility is long-lasting and based on shared values.
[06:00 - 07:00] Firecrackers vs. Fireplaces
Sara shares a quote about looking for a 'fireplace' (calm and stable) rather than a 'firecracker' (exciting but volatile) in a partner.
[07:00 - 08:00] Defining Inner Work
Sara defines inner work as removing the masks imposed by society and life experiences to rediscover your true identity.
[08:00 - 09:00] Beyond the Blueprint
Sara talks about questioning the societal blueprints we are born with to discover who we truly are.
[09:00 - 10:00] Healing is a Journey
Sara emphasizes that healing is not about fixing the surface but diving deep into childhood traumas.
[10:00 - 11:00] Recognizing Patterns
Sara shares her personal realization of repeating the same relationship patterns with different men before starting her inner work.
[11:00 - 12:00] Exploring Healing Modalities
Sara describes her journey through therapy, hypnotherapy, and spiritual healing to address her trauma.
[12:00 - 13:00] Setting Standards
Sara explains that setting standards starts with knowing what you do not want, which brings immense clarity.
[13:00 - 14:00] Meeting Yourself
Sara discusses the process of getting to know yourself again after healing and molding yourself into your best version.
[14:00 - 15:00] Love as a Decision
Sara shares her view that love in a relationship is a conscious decision to show up and commit, rather than just a feeling.
[15:00 - 16:00] Straightforward Dating
Sara explains her approach to dating, which involves having honest, upfront conversations about future goals from day one.
[16:00 - 17:00] Deal Breakers in Dating
Sara lists her personal deal breakers, including a lack of ambition, toxic masculinity, and an inability to have honest conversations.
[17:00 - 18:00] Leaving Toxic Marriages
Sara discusses how she recognized it was time to leave her marriages due to physical, mental, and emotional abuse.
[18:00 - 19:00] Overcoming Ego and Fear
Sara reflects on how societal expectations and ego kept her in her first marriage longer than she should have stayed.
[19:00 - 20:00] People Pleasing and Authenticity
Sara talks about her past tendency to be a people pleaser and how she realized she was sacrificing her own peace for others.
[20:00 - 21:00] Do People Change?
Sara discusses how people only change when they want to, and warns against entering relationships with the intention of changing someone.
[21:00 - 22:00] Celebrating Differences
Sara emphasizes that healthy relationships should celebrate differences rather than trying to force partners to conform.
[22:00 - 23:00] Redefining Forgiveness
Sara explains that forgiveness is not about condoning abuse but about forgiving yourself for staying and letting go of negative emotions.
[23:00 - 24:00] Reaching Indifference
Sara shares that true healing is achieved when you feel indifferent toward those who hurt you, rather than harboring anger or hate.
[24:00 - 25:00] Finding Strength at Rock Bottom
Sara discusses finding her connection with God at the 'basement of rock bottom,' which initiated her self-love journey.
[25:00 - 26:00] Empaths and Boundaries
Sara compares an empath without boundaries to a house with no doors, emphasizing the necessity of boundaries for safety.
[26:00 - 27:00] Dealing with Ghosting
Sara advises treating ghosting as a sign of disrespect and moving on, recognizing that you deserve better.
[27:00 - 28:00] Romancing Potential
Sara warns against falling in love with a partner's potential rather than accepting who they are in the present.
[28:00 - 29:00] Final Five: Best Advice
Sara shares her best advice: no one can break you if you find beauty in everything, even in pain.
[29:00 - 30:00] Final Five: Worst Advice
Sara recalls being told she was unfocused because she wanted to pursue multiple passions, and argues that we are meant to experience everything.
[30:00 - 31:00] Favorite Tattoo and Limiting Beliefs
Sara explains her witch tattoo, symbolizing a woman in total control of herself, and discusses letting go of the belief that she cannot change her mind.
[31:00 - 32:21] One Law for the World
Sara jokingly suggests a law making inner work mandatory before anyone is allowed to date or get married.
Broadcaster Questions (19)
[00:00] What should someone be asking themselves before they start dating?
Context: Jay Shetty opens the podcast by asking Sara Al Madani about the initial self-reflection required before entering the dating scene.
[01:30] What do you think is the difference between someone who wants a relationship and someone who needs a relationship?
Context: Jay asks Sara to distinguish between the desire for a relationship and the dependency on one.
[03:10] What's a dating non-negotiable you have today that would shock your younger self? What has changed for you that you would have negotiated with before?
Context: Jay asks Sara about how her relationship standards and non-negotiables have evolved over time.
[05:36] What's the difference in your mind between compatibility and chemistry?
Context: Jay asks Sara to define and contrast chemistry and compatibility in romantic relationships.
[07:22] But what is inner work?
Context: Jay asks Sara to clarify the meaning of the commonly used term 'inner work' and what it actually entails.
[10:00] What was the first step of inner work that you did? What did you see when you started to do it?
Context: Jay asks Sara about her personal starting point with inner work and the initial realizations she had.
[12:47] How does someone today set their standards?
Context: Jay asks Sara for practical advice on how individuals can establish healthy standards for themselves.
[15:53] I feel like people have deal breakers in dating right now. What do you think is a healthy way of knowing what a deal breaker is? Or what is a deal breaker in dating? What should be a deal breaker in dating?
Context: Jay asks Sara about the concept of deal breakers and how to identify them in a healthy manner.
[18:01] How did you know in both your marriages it was time to leave?
Context: Jay asks Sara about the turning points in her past marriages that made her realize she needed to exit.
[19:19] Did you stay longer in the first one or the second?
Context: Jay asks Sara to compare the duration of her stay in her first and second marriages.
[21:12] We have this very interesting approach where we're constantly like, 'Oh yeah, I love everything about them apart from this one thing, I wish they'd just work on this.' And there's a part of us that's well-intentioned because we're like, 'Oh, we see this potential, we see this growth.' But really wha
Context: Jay asks Sara if people actually change in relationships and addresses the habit of falling in love with potential.
[22:41] Talk to me about what it took to forgive after going through a narcissistic toxic relationship.
Context: Jay asks Sara about her process of finding forgiveness after experiencing toxic relationship dynamics.
[24:41] How did you find that strength when you're in that painful position? Because it's almost like when you're on the receiving end of any form of abuse, you feel like you're weakest... What did you do and what have you helped others do find that courage and give themselves that permission in that moment
Context: Jay asks Sara how she found the strength to leave abusive situations when she felt at her weakest.
[26:47] What's your message to men and women who are in toxic relationships right now?
Context: Jay asks Sara to share a direct message of encouragement and advice for those currently stuck in toxic relationships.
[29:21] What is the best advice you've ever heard or received?
Context: Jay starts the 'Final Five' segment by asking Sara for the best advice she has ever received.
[29:45] What is the worst advice you've ever heard or received?
Context: Jay asks Sara about the worst advice she has ever been given.
[30:34] What's your favorite tattoo?
Context: Jay asks Sara to share the story behind her favorite tattoo.
[31:05] What was the biggest limiting belief that you had to let go of to live the life you have today?
Context: Jay asks Sara about the most significant limiting belief she had to overcome.
[31:51] If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?
Context: Jay asks Sara to share the one law she would implement globally if given the opportunity.
Full video: Watch on YouTube